Sharing the Load: How to Include Another Caregiver in Baby Care Routines (Feeding, Sleep & Hygiene)

The importance of a support system

Routines are an integral part of creating smoothness to a family's day to day activities. And they’re an important part in fostering communication between partners and bonding with your child, it’s in these calm and small moments that can bring so much joy!

Bringing home a new baby can be overwhelming to say the least. There are so many unknowns and so much pressure to get it “right”.

It can be especially overwhelming when the baby only wants mom. This can cause Mom to be:

• Overwhelmed with being the food source if they’re nursing

• Overwhelmed and touched out by the non-stop cuddles being asked for 

• Overwhelmed by the mental load of when did they feed last, did they have enough wet diapers today, are they sleeping too much or too little, etc.

• Overwhelmed by wondering if she is enough for her baby, enough for her partner 

Having a support system not only around the baby but also around the “default” or go to parent is equally important in addition to having a support system around the baby. When mom is looking after the baby, who is looking after her? When dad is looking after the baby, who is looking after him?

Three types of caregivers

There are 3 general approaches to caregiving. These may change based on the need and the number of children, but typically parents fall into one of these categories. Spoiler: Be a Doer! Everyone needs a Doer. :)

The Doer

This is the caregiver who just gets stuff done. They don’t wait to be asked, they do what they see is needed. The doer can be a support system for the baby and/or another caregiver. They don’t ask, they do.

The Observer

This is a person who is not active in the baby care routines but observes them taking place. The person may provide feedback from the sidelines or ask if help is needed.

The Passer Off-er

This person just excludes themselves. Often they resort to the fallback of “What am I supposed to do?” They only want you.” or “You’re the one with the breasts.” If mom is nursing it can be very easy for the other caregiver to say that they’re not needed or there is no point to be there. But just because a baby's needs are being served it does not mean the main caregiver’s are as well. 

I remember being a new mom like it was yesterday. I was engorged with my new milk, recovering from a traumatic labor that resulted in a c-section, isolated from my family in the middle of a pandemic, and feeling elated and overwhelmed all at once.  When I was exclusively breastfeeding, my spouse knew our son was taken care of, but he still was with me during the majority of nursing sessions and woke up with me at night to be with me. He was my supporter, my cheerleader, my shoulder to cry on. He was a doer for me.

From a Dad’s viewpoint

I asked my spouse, Marty, to provide his insight on why he feels it is important for another caregiver to be a doer instead of the passer off-er. Here’s what he had to say.

As your child begins to grow, so does the amount of routines across their day. Sometimes it can be intimidating and overwhelming when you don’t feel comfortable or competent in completing certain routines. This is a normal feeling and there are a few ways that you can help ease this feeling. 

No one is perfect and the routine doesn’t have to be either. It’s fine to do routines differently than other caregivers because that’s what makes your routine with your child unique and special. 

You can also ask for help or coaching if you don’t know how to complete a routine. Someone modeling a routine can be a huge reliever in feeling more comfortable doing the routine yourself. 

Lastly, remember that there’s no such thing as a “Mom routine” or “Dad routine.” You are both caregivers and should participate in all routines.

- Marty

How partner caregivers can support each other

Observe and be active by being present - see where there is a gap and fill it. Passing a diaper, getting them water, picking baby up first instead of asking do you want me to…

Start off by being present for as many routines as you can, being there and being fully present is a great start. Next start to take on some roles in the routine while the other caregiver is present. Then move to you doing the routines with them present, but you’re the one leading. Lastly, move to you being solo with the baby completing the routine and helping the other caregiver to have a break.

It can be really hard for the non-primary caregiver to watch the other person be so needed. Your baby is not choosing them or you, they have a need that needs to be met at that moment.

Remember, being a part of the routine is a great bonding opportunity for you. You may or may not be able to feed them but you can certainly change them, burp them, hold them, and simply be present.

About the author

Kensey Butkevich of Sleep Easy Clinic is a Certified Child Sleep Consultant and Board Certified Behavior Analyst. Kensey works alongside her husband, Marty, who is also a Board Certified Behavior Analyst. They use a developmental approach in supporting your child’s sleep. Guided by evidence-based strategies for supporting you and your child, they work with you on learning what your child’s sleep/behavior needs are and creating a plan based on your goals.

Kensey and Marty love catching up on Netflix in between naps and being outdoors with their son and dog.

They love spending time with their family and cheering on their favorite hockey team.